Nothing amounts to everything

Despite being a born in a family who strongly embraces the Christian faith, I sheepishly admit that I am not exactly a fervent believer. Yes, I do believe that there is a God, I do believe in Him, but I am a lukewarm believer. Meaning to say, I blow hot and cold at God. As with most people in general, I find myself praising god and proclaiming his name whenever things are going good. When things are trying for me, however, I find it difficult to believe that God is actually on my side, constantly helping me and carrying me every step of the way in life; that His love for me never changes, come what may.

So tonight, despite my painful and tortutous throat infection and searing pain from incessant menstraul cramps, despite the fact that I'm sad knowing that my mum will not be there at my 21st birthday party, despite the fact that my life is nowhere near perfect, I want to thank God for everything that I have in this life.

What with my birthday drawing near, many people - both family and friends - have bee asking me the same question, "What would you like for your birthday?" Being a thick-skinned materialist, I would usually jump right at the opportunity and ask for a wallet/pocket-damaging gift.

However, this year, i find myself dumbfounded when asked that generous question. Knowing myself, I have been pondering for weeks about what I want or need to get for my birthday this year. My party is this Saturday - still no answer. I would like to think that I have reached a state of Nirvana - pure contentment - but I would suppose not, as i find myself still dreaming about that lamb-skin 2.55 Chanel handbag siting in the shop waiting to be mine.

The Chanel bag aside, I am so very grateful for my family and devoted friends by my side. Yes, it is true that things are not always smooth-sailing for me. I still have my fair share of problems and I still do question God at times in vexation. But having come this far in life, albeit 21 short years, I have learnt that the best things in life are indeed for free. So if you ask me, what I would really like for my 21st is just... to be happy.

Thank you God for Mummy, for everyone, for everything.